TV Show

My apologies to anyone who reads this regularly, but I missed a week. I've been having work done at Cardigan Towers and simply forgot amid the chaos.


The following could only happen in a universe where HIV never happened, it's pure fantasy.

Here's a pitch for a television show, might find a late slot on a porno cable channel or a gay cable channel if such exist. We'll use the working title "That Cardigan Show", it'll be studio based with an audience, have discussions, guests and much filth. There will be pre- filmed inserts of cardigan related fun outside the studio, made by the presenters. These may and probably will show explicit sex.

So, who to present it? I think we need two presenters, one obviously Dead Butch, the other Less So. The former, with a view to a potentially large market might be American; in fact he will be. He'll be circumcised too, and a provocative advocate for it. That will give us the basis for some good banter between the presenters. The Less So presenter will clearly be what Dead Butch would call a catcher.

They'll wear cardigans and posing pouches only and appear before an invited audience who will be required all to wear cardigans. An ongoing thread in the show will be the 'pot-o-spooge', being a tub of gentleman's relish provided by the studio audience and sent in by the audience at home. There could be an insert each week visiting a bunch of cardigan guys who have volunteered to contribute and we'll be able to see what they get up to in the production of that contribution, which is added to the pot back in the studio.

A member of the audience may be interviewed about some aspect of cardigan fetishism and as a reward have a large dollop from the pot splattered on his cardigan, in the 'cardigan custard' spot. Another volunteer from the audience may get the chance to drink from the pot through a straw as a reward for answering correctly some cardigan related questions in a 'mastermind' setting. At the end of the series the remaining spooge could be used to dunk a whole cardigan or someone could drink it. Perhaps a spooge gun could be created and a golden shot style spooge the cardigan target game could be arranged. 'Bernie, the spooge' could become a catchphrase.

Another studio item might be 'beat the cock' a race to orgasm between audience volunteers along the lines of the biscuit game.

The inserts can have our hosts visiting places of cardigan interest. Butch would ideally be a porn star and poster-boy for cardigan wearers. Each week an audience member who has submitted a photograph of his bedroom adorned with a poster of Butch will receive a 'surprise' visit and get a seriously good seeing to. Butch would also be on the road in the ‘cardivan’ encouraging cardigan wearing and promoting circumcision. We might even get a volunteer for circumcision and follow him through the process. There could be a visit to America where Butch dons a letter cardigan and gives the boy cheerleaders something to celebrate.

Less So can visit places like a dildo factory where he will invariably become the unsuspecting victim of hilarious consequences, usually involving penetration, large sizes and his anus. To this end there may be the occasional involvement of a football or rugby team. A highlight of the series could be a visit to an army barracks. A farm visit or a trip to a bottling plant might easily see Less So end up in casualty having to explain how 'that' got up there. The other participants in these items will be in the audience and come down to be presented in their custard besmirched cardigans. Less So could be involved in ‘dilation challenge’ where he vies with members of the audience to accommodate large and unusual objects with Butch on hand to loosen them up and make sure the objects go right in.

An element of the programme could be given over to portly, elderly cardigan wearers and perhaps visits to golf clubs or bowling greens where such gentlemen wear cardigans. Both presenters could be involved in this segment, giving and receiving.

The core value in the show will not be simple bawdiness but sheer filth, lots of cardigans, unbuttoning and much splattering of sperm both bottled and draught. The after-show party will be something else, and as producer, I’ll be there every week.

The closing credits will see our presenters taking a champagne bottle out of an ice bucket, we see it's labelled Spooge and indeed that's what it contains. They each pour a small quantity into an old fashioned champagne glass, toast (ding of glasses), take a sip and hen pour the rest down their cardigans.

A caption comes on saying "All the spooge used in this programme is genuine gentleman's discharge". They pour another glass and drink deeply.

I've a feeling Simon Cowell will not be interested in this format.